another beginning’s end

2014 and I am looking to change my life. or my life has been on a slow roll towards an inevitable change. I dreamed of it in it’s changed state and it scared me so I repeated a set of mistakes that I know better than to repeat. and I thought I could go back with a woman I had spent many many happy times with. but she is absent and I am not pursuing. it would be trying to go back to something old when I’m on the verge of something new.

Maybe a different city but does it require that I leave? It feels like it is one of those things where staying will only keep me where I am whereas if I go, I can come back with whatever the knowledge I’m supposed to be on the verge of getting.

what if I don’t go? What if I’m supposed to go and I don’t go? “supposed” to only exists because I began to consider it. before the consideration there was no “supposed” to.

it just doesn’t feel like it’s going to come to me. I have to go to it, whatever it is.