my life as a house

I have a recurring dream that inhabits a house. There are some things about the house that change, like the outside parking lot, the back yard, the location of the entrydoors; sometimes there is a pool, sometimes there are rickety stairs that lead to a river made canyon, sometimes they lead directly to a river, sometimes an ocean, sometimes a lake. always some incarnation of water is part of the landscape.

The external presentation of the house sometimes changes. Sometimes it looks like an apartment buiding, entry can be on the first level, or second level. sometimes there is only a back door. When there is only a back door, it is always a 2nd level apartment and appears like the back door to the apartment that I grew up in. This apartment was in a building. the backdoor opens onto a landing with stairs going down. There is an apartment building on the other side and the middle is grass covered. sidewalks are on either side of the grassy area. When there is a front door, the front appearance can be different incarnations: opening onto a parking lot, opening onto a landing covered by the landing above and facing spiral staircases leading upstairs, opening onto a wrap around porch, with a fenced area, opening onto a driveway with a chicken coop. It almost always looks like I enter an apartment building. even if once inside it feels like a house.

The internal layout changes periodically. although there are some parts of the layout that are consistently the same way even if they move to a different space within the house. Some of the layouts are the memories of places I have actually lived; some are just reoccurences of the dream layout.

The house is multi level although not all levels present themselves in every dream. However there is almost always the feeling that whatever part of the house shows up in the dream, that there is a bigger house involved.

There is an attic level attached to an even higher level that seems to be occupied by someone other than me. Periodically, doorways, hallways or stairways will open into this space unexpectedly. So far, I continue to feel like  I am trespassing even though I also feel as though this space belongs to me. It occasionally feels like a whole other house while at other times it seems like part of the house I live in. Sometimes there are things going on there and I have the impression of people even though I rarely see those people. sometimes there is a physical partition, other times is like crossing an invisible line.

There is a basement level. IT is dark and chaotic. At times it looks like it’s under new construction, other times it looks like it was the location of a fire, earthquake or tornado. I am rarely in that space. Most often dreams either have me coming out of that space soon after entering the dream or peering into that space or actively avoiding the area. I almost always recall knowing that it is there even if I can’t find the entrance. This space is also sometimes connected to an unfurnished apartment.  The unfurnished apartment almost never appears without this basement, althought the basement appears sometimes without the apartment.

There is a middle level or multiple middle levels as sometimes no matter what level I appear to be on there are ways to go up or ways to go down. There occassionally appears to be another house directly attached, the best description of the impression is of a row house that’s been split down the middle into two different houses. I usually feel unwelcome in this space. Not unwelcome exactly something akin to unwelcome but not really because it’s clearly a part of my house. It belongs to me and I know I own it. if anyone lives there, they only get there through me. I walk through it wishing someone was there but usually leave closing the doors.

I think this has to do with relationship status. I recently had a dream where this space was connected and furnished; warm and inviting in it’s presentation where usually it is cold and rather dimly lit. It also felt like it enlarged my living space rather than appearing as a separate and only minimally connected space. Changes in this space most often go with the presence of someone to whom I’m romantically attracted. People for whom there is only a sexual attraction never see this space. In fact, if such a person gets invited to my house, those spaces seem to cease to exist.

My current fixation on this house-dream is because I dreamed of it with someone there and it was unexpected; not the space, the person. I don’t recall ever having her there. She’s been in the main house before. visiting. this dream felt like she had moved in. I am scared and intrigued by this. I don’t think it’s possible while also wondering if it’s really possible.

There’s much more to this house. I don’t always remember the layout but I always remember that it feels like visiting the same house, rarely a new house. I don’t think where I currently live is incorporated into the dream house. I can identify the real places I’ve lived and how they show up in the dream house dreams. 1401 bankhead building 9 apt 6, simpson woods, 1 coronet way, my apartment by myself. the 1st apartment with cynthia, mama’s house, aunt woo’s place, janie’s place, Desoto, Leslie and Abbeville all have identifiable elements.

I don’t think i’ve every identified the apt with Joe, southern tech, or beaver ruin, the house off boulevard or the san francisco place in the dreams as part of the house.