Not So Talkative

I must not forget
I’ve never
been here before
It may look familiar;
the darkness,
the sheer height
of the walls
are astonishing

the end points may be
known; the middle is under
constant invention

Pain is all I can address
right now, the wrapping of wounds
has my full attention
and even in that
I find myself afraid of the
attention to myself required
Why should that be?

I have been holding my breath. And I realize that the alone part is it’s going back to doing it by myself. I’ve almost always done it on my own. I have to start doing it on my own again. the recognition that I had someone, that I felt like someone was with me, for me and now she’s gone. and I have to figure it out alone again. It wasn’t nearly long enough. not nearly enough of her.

inside is chaos
ordered destruction
and creation
pressure releases heat
and energy
that eats itself alive.
outside is the sun

there is no ease in your
presence except in protocol
where
every if has a then
every function must open
and close
the space between brackets
waiting for your input

let me touch you
will you let me touch you
let me wrap my tongue around
you, smooth-wet, warm you
let me touch
you, pulsing, jumping growing you
let me!
touch you?
let me…
touch…you…
will you?
let me?
touch you.
let me
let me
touch
let
me
touch
you

Just watched lars and the real girl. really moving (cliche) but it spoke to this feeling i have of not knowing how to break out of this thing, this acute aloneness that i’m in.

i’m all armored up
again, this time
anchored in place
because this is where you
were last
this is where i was
before you slipped away
this is the last place that made
any kind of sense
before you came
and helped me turn
myself inside out

everything
is raw without you
to soothe balm on the
wounds we exposed