I’m uncomfortable right now. I keep trying to ease the discomfort, make it go away by covering it with external fixes. Something out there has to be the answer; something out there has to be the thing to bring me comfort.
Except, what if there’s nothing out there? I did school already. It didn’t make me comfortable. And although I absolutely enjoyed the last year away from here, somewhere new, doing something hard for me but exciting and challenging in a good way too, it didn’t make me more comfortable. I felt like I was doing something tangible to change my life, improve my life. I felt like I was doing something that could be validated by the world as something worth doing which means that my life is not a waste. But my life is not improved. I’m right back where I started. Except that I’m not.
It feels like I know that school is not going to work for what I want anymore. That the debt is not worth the validation that I’m craving. I want the validation, I don’t think I want to pay for it anymore.