a woman like her…

I am not the type of woman to which the woman that I like is attracted as a romantic interest. This causes me no end of consternation. I don’t understand why the mismatch. It would be so much easier if I could just like the women that like me. It would certainly help a lot if I could evenĀ find the women that like me or would like me if they met me. That would be nice.

Ultimately and historically, the mismatch means that I end up chasing or obsequiously (!?) waiting to be noticed; waiting to be found out for the outstanding person that I am if she (and once upon a time, he) would only just look my way, would potentially consider that maybe I was worth liking. For a person who is generally quite positive that I am worth liking, there is this immature person in there that takes over romantic interests and “just wants to be loved!! is that so wroonng?!”

The first person interested in me when I was a teenager, I had no clue until he started looking for me in the halls at school and showing up to wave at me during class. And then I somehow never knew how to behave when he stopped liking me, so of course I chased him. (a situation that actually did not turn out too bad because later when I was ready for it, he made a good buddy of the fucking kind)

Nor did I ever understand why someone stops liking me. It’s a problem I still have to this day. Not always. I mean. My first LTR breakup was no surprise; we both were active in it so although it was painful, it wasn’t devastating in the way that the last breakup was. The last one- not understanding what happened just about ruined me.

The end betweeners have always been problematic except for this last one with my ‘friend’. I knew I didn’t want her in that LTR way though I really like her a lot. This current one, I feel the urge to fawn but know that I don’t like the fawning me; I know it’s a set up for an inequitable relationship regardless of the type of relationship it is. and I’m so over that. don’t need that lesson again.