the end of an opportunity…

The time is growing so very close to when the option of having a baby using my own uterus is coming to an end. I’m afraid that the time is past and so I seem to hold onto the thought that it is almost past.

I wanted a partner to have kids with. I wanted a family to bring kids into. The last relationship destroyed that possibility. 12 years of my life essentially given over to the beginning, middle, end, and recovery from that relationship. And now here I am, 44, almost 45. alone.

I think back to the almost baby. I do not find myself wishing for it.  Strangly. I don’t know if I was right, I do know without a doubt that I did the best that I could at the time with what I had to work with. so I do not regret it. I do sometimes dream of scenarios where it was different. You cannot go back and change the past though. I don’t think of having babies without thinking of that almost one.