you can
get up from here
this small dark place
is an illusion like
all of it

the only choice
always still
the same choice
pepper your life with

bite the apple or don’t
open the box or don’t
feast at the table or don’t
take the fire or don’t


I have a lot of weird interests or rather I have opinions and info about a lot of things that hadn’t been regular topics of conversation before Xina. I’m interested in different things and before her I would never really talk about those things to people because I don’t want to feel like a know it all because of the broad range of my interests and the level of depth that I usually invest in them is more than surface usually. Anyway, I can’t seem to turn it off. It isn’t the topics, it was having someone want to listen to me, who wanted to be engaged in what I was interested in, rather than me doing all the listening. it was new and I liked it and I miss that.


I must not forget
I’ve never
been here before
It may look familiar;
the darkness,
the sheer height
of the walls
are astonishing


Pain is all I can address
right now, the wrapping of wounds
has my full attention
and even in that
I find myself afraid of the
attention to myself required
Why should that be?


I have been holding my breath. And I realize that the alone part is it’s going back to doing it by myself. I’ve almost always done it on my own. I have to start doing it on my own again. the recognition that I had someone, that I felt like someone was with me, for me and now she’s gone. and I have to figure it out alone again. It wasn’t nearly long enough. not nearly enough of her.

Code me

there is no ease in your
presence except in protocol
every if has a then
every function must open
and close
the space between brackets
waiting for your input

let me

let me touch you
will you let me touch you
let me wrap my tongue around
you, smooth-wet, warm you
let me touch
you, pulsing, jumping growing you
let me!
touch you?
let me…
will you?
let me?
touch you.
let me
let me

the real girl

Just watched lars and the real girl. really moving (cliche) but it spoke to this feeling i have of not knowing how to break out of this thing, this acute aloneness that i’m in.