nothing will ever be the same

I keep moving like everything is the same just Xina is not here. But Xina not being here means nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be like it was again because she is not here.

I was counting on her and she was ripped away in a blink and nothing will ever be the same again.


I don’t understand Burlesque. I just don’t get what’s so intriguing about it. But I’ve heard the word empowering for it’s focus on “curvy” women. It’s just not for me, I guess.

Scared Scaredy Cat

I’m scared almost all day right now. Every time I think about finishing with this house and leaving, if it’s in the morning, I am positive I can do what it takes to get it all done. There’s not that much more to do after all; paint and cleanup and I can leave. I feel good. I’m still not always positive, but I feel sure enough to keep at it.

But slowly during the day it eats away at me and I’m scared again; scared in the pit of my stomach. Scared into paralysis. scared in the most horrifying way: afraid about being so afraid.

The Workers of the Future

I have been reading a lot about the future of work, skill gaps, and companies having trouble finding employees despite approximately 8 million unemployed to fill the current openings or openings based on the way we will work in the future. So I used the way back machine to glimpse my past when I was the worker of this future.

In 1985, all the work I had done was going to high school, getting arbitrarily mediocre grades, and trying desperately to keep my quirks in check until I could graduate¬† and go to college or get a job. The summer after graduation I got a job as a clerk in a branded convenience store. I worked on stocking shelves first, then was trained to work as a cashier. In the fall, I started my freshman year of college. It so happened that I didn’t do well at college but now I had some work experience so I went back to be a cashier.

Long story short, I spent the next ten years building a resume based off being a responsible low skilled job holder: cashier/stockroom clerk, kennel helper in a pet store (eventually sales in pet store), shipping and receiving in a fine jewelry store, pizza delivery. I enrolled in college during the fifth year. Around the sixth year, I leveled up (based solely on hourly wage) to administrative assistant, in an insurance company, a pain clinic, and a psychotherapist’s office. I graduated with a bachelor degree, ten years after I graduated high school.

I learned a few things that helped me when a career building opportunity came along:

  • I learned how to get a job; the search, the choice, the interview, the rejection.
  • I learned how to talk to people: disgruntled customers, bosses, managers, coworkers.
  • I learned how to manage a variety of paperwork, organize it, create it, shuffle it.
  • I learned how to direct myself through a 8 to 10 hour work day.
  • I learned there were some things I didn’t want to spend my lifetime of work doing.
  • I worked full time while I studied part time while I also hung out with friends so I learned time management.

My point and I do have one is that the worker of the future doesn’t come fully formed out of some worker vending machine, business school or incubator. Organizations already have the workers of the future all around them.

I want my PH.D

I decided on a course of action that I can’t undecide. I have to leave here and go there. I can come back but I can’t not leave here first. I am going to make my way.

sitting in the airport

missed my flight. I can never seem to sleep before a flight except for the 2 hours leading up to 1 hour past the time I’m supposed to be getting ready to leave. I get up late; my bags aren’t packed and there are at least 5 chores that I absolutely cannot leave unless I have done. So I missed my flight. I spend all night worrying about missing my flight and then once it’s clear that I have no more power over the passage of time whether I worry about it or not, I relax and let go. I’ll either miss it or I won’t. Today, I missed my flight.

I have taken lots of flights now so I make more than I miss by a lot.¬† Every night before is the same. I try to sleep. I try to sleep early but can’t. I try to wear myself out even if it means I get to bed a little later. Anything to get to sleep. It usually doesn’t happen. So…I’m on standby because I missed my flight.

girl rage

What would happen if we let them loose? What if those girls who had to always be ready to fight, won every single battle waged against her? IF the boy who “knew she wanted it” ended up the shamed one? what if the uncle covering her mouth and ignoring her dazed silent struggle read the danger in her resistance and simply stopped? Who would we let loose upon the world then?

Telling the dogs apart…


Telling the dogs apart: Lily Honey Brown, Bruce more Chocolate Brown

First of all there are two of them: Lily and Bruce, respectively. Bruce tends to be the more active of the two; while Lily rarely passes an opportunity to plop down on her belly.



Bruce seriously wonders about the next treat


Their hind white spots are on the right for Bruce and left for Lily


Lily has the white tail, and four white legs, Bruce has the brown tail and socks on all but one let.


Trying again…

There are so many different times that I have started and stopped because I couldn’t imagine anything perfect to work on. It is not unusual for me to get caught up in perfect. I also get stuck because I don’t have anyone to talk to when I get stuck. I don’t like the forums. Responses can be obtuse without being helpful; often sending me down two other rabbit holes to find a way to apply the solution that turns out to be wrong for what I want. Nevertheless, I keep coming back trying to figure it out because there’s something I want to say. I don’t know what it is but I keep trying to say it through learning this web stuff. so yeah, trying again…


My insecurity is not your responsibility but I’m going to want to process it because it only comes up in relationship with someone. If I wanted to avoid it, I would simply stay alone.