I don’t like being left in the dark. I don’t like when people withhold information. It is one of those things that immediately puts me on the defensive. Like what kind of information is it that it can’t be shared? Is it information that I can’t handle? Why would one think I can’t handle the information?
I recognize that some people actively hold on to information, or in a passive agressive way deflect giving of the information in a straightforward way; indicating someone else knows what they know and I should go find it out from someone else when it’s obvious that it’s information that they have.
Not knowing makes me feel small and unimportant.
This is a reminder that I CAN do the things that I would like to do. That sometimes breaking down the task into it’s smaller components can help me get out of the mind, away from thinking the task is overwhelming or impossible; or even allowing me to procrastinate. Butt to Chair is the first step.
She makes me nervous
Her, and women like her
who raise the sun with their smiles
at me and everyone or no one in particular
I get nervous like I might say something
that will make that smile go away
or like the awestruck look on my face will
tell all there is to tell about me and that will be that
no more of her smiles.
I am awaiting a download. I am watching CSI. I am contemplating the nature of my discontent. It is not unhappiness. I am happy. There are friends in my life, and activities that I enjoy; and I come home everyday to two smiling joyful faces. I speak with my mom, brothers and sisters on a regular basis, my father on an irregular but sufficient I think basis. But there is discontent. just making a note for later analysis.
My motorcycling has gone very well. My Photography has gone okay although lately I have mostly been taking pics of the dogs with the iphone. I just started two fish tanks. Freshwater tanks with guppies, mollies, and neon tetras. In one tank I have 3 guppy fry and 2 molly fry.
I would like to start a nano reef tank. Maybe over the winter. The tanks make nice decorative additions to my home. One in the living room and one in the bedroom.
Web design is not going so well. I can’t seem to get it together to do the things that I want to do. I’m scared to start because I’m scared that it won’t be any good. And if I never do it, I can continue to think I’m good at it. which is really kinda twisted and I hate the lie of it. anyway. was just sitting here browsing the internet information on nano reefs and thought I’d stop by.
I’m not so talkative. This blog is not yet everything I had hoped it would be. Although clearly, once a month, i am reminded that it exists and I have the urge to post…something, anything, though it may not be all that interesting.
things I’ve remembered that I know:
1. the internet is not the hypochondriac’s friend.
2. envy is a very uncomfortable feeling.
3. I miss my motorcycle.
4. ignoring a problem does not make it go away or get better
5. knowing what the problem is gives one information even if one still has no clue how to solve it.
6. a smile from a woman one is infatuated with is twitterpatting.
7. i’m not as stupid as I think or as smart as I hoped.
8. hugs are priceless
9. dog spit is not tasty but it won’t kill you.
10. good mothers are special.
We’re into the third month of the year. I’m still loving the Cs. Back to work. Back to thinking that it won’t be me who will hold me up but my manager; and I know that he feels he is doing his best. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t meet my needs and leaves me frustrated more often than not.
I don’t trust that he does what he says or even tries to get the things that we ask for. I’m pretty sure he feels he knows best or that he has important information that cannot be shared with us but upon which he bases his decisions on what to tell us. I just don’t see how that is helpful. But I’m tired of fighting. tired of feeling like I’m being a nag to ask for what will help me do my job better or help improve moral. I can see how before I fell into complacency. I can see how it could happen again. I am not sure how to resolve this yet.
So, the first month of 2011 is 2 days away from being done. I am finally done with smoking. The only thing I think I might have trouble with is when other people are around. Smoking was my prop that let me not care what they might or might not think of me. With a smoke, I could concentrate on thinking about that smoke, I could maintain my confidence because with a smoke, on the edge of my tongue is a fuck you readily implied, even if I don’t have to or want to say it. And so I felt okay with myself and wouldn’t worry about the rest. It let me not be self involved in the face of my anxiety.
And I had it done. Years of thinking, waiting, wanting and thinking. And now it’s done and I swear I’m so pleased. I look different. I’m me but different. Onward to the next thing.
I want to know who I am now and who I’m going to be next. The thought excites me and I am grateful.
The thing about quitting smoking is that avoiding the immediate real discomfort of quitting bum rushes the potential long term benefits of having quit. I find it much harder to not smoke when there are no cigarettes in my pocket than I do when I have them.
As soon as I don’t have any, even though I don’t want to smoke, I find myself wanting to smoke and having to buy more. However, once I’ve bought them, the immediate urge to smoke diminishes. For instance, I had smoked my last hours before I was to let the dogs out for the final break. I wasn’t concerned about it. I even had a thought or too about having a smoke but I didn’t follow through. Yet the moment it stuck me that I didn’t actually HAVE any smokes, I NEEDED to smoke.
A new year is on it’s way; a new year is always on its way.