So I think I finally get it. There is no need for me to remain tuned to their frequency just in case people who have rejected me might at some future date change their mind. I need to free up the channel for something else. so ended up dropping a few minor connections that i made unconsciously hoping for someone to come back to me.

Not that I’m not open but I think that I end up in this space of feeling hurt that I don’t acknowledge but feed anyway. Wasting my energy thinking that someone would not reject me if they really thought about it. And wasting my time wondering if I’m a good person because someone rejected me. I am a good person before and after rejections.

A person rejected me. It’s their process not mine. I needed to let it go.

the evolution of a leader

So after that first marathon of the Walking Dead, I decided I could (mostly) handle the zombie killing and violence. This season has gotten messier though seeing as the zombies are now more wasted. The FX folks have added new layers of sound and squishiness that has me squirming while watching. If the show had smell-o-vision that would be the end of my watching.

The evolution of Carol has been great though. Not like Michonne’s friend Andrea, who I thought seemed to be willing to protect herself until she could find a man to protect her and then “every woman for herself” as far as she was concerned.

Sasha gets the “Angry Black Woman” sash for this show. Michonne  is a much rounder “angry”  than Sasha is but actually falls into the “mammie” ; nurturing, counseling and pumping up the young white chirren. (Rick and Carl).

I’m just identifying the tropes; I like the characters very much.

Carol started out as the battered woman with no agency separate from her role as battered woman. The writers developed her through that; arriving at this current season (10/2014) with Carol being able to use her knowledge, experience in the world to create the opportunity for  escape by the entire cabal AND return hope of a future by returning Judith and reuniting Sasha and Tyrese.

Hadn’t thought of it before but you could say that Carl is the present: violent, shaky and callous, striving for a sense of balance, under development every day. Judith is their potential future. Women are always the future.

I started with Carol and Leadership. There was a great line in 10/19 episode after the rescue. Rick has been the organizing gateway of the group based on his decision making and direction. Nobody gets in the group except they go through Rick. He acknowledged Carol as his equal in gateway keeping by saying that they were joining her. She didn’t deny it. Equals.

Painful Confluence

I am so shut down right now. I tell myself I’m okay to combat the voices that keep saying there must be something wrong with me.  There must be a reason that I’m alone for so long. There must be something I am doing or not doing or something that I am that makes it difficult for me to maintain or find a close connection to people. Something wrong with me that makes me want to flee when there are people around. That makes me feel like a ghost. that makes me act like a ghost.

I just let the voices take over just then. I’m okay. I’m a good person. I’m here.

Female-Girl, Woman

Was just browsing the internet reading on the issue and I think i have come to dislike the phrase “designated female at birth”. It sounds like there was some authority sitting over my birth and that authority “decided” I was female.

On the one hand, it can be viewed as something that is done to myself as a  person,  seperate and unrelated to myself as a person. And the “designation/decision” will follow me the rest of my life and I will be treated according to that “designation/decision”. In a patriarchial white supremacist culture, being female is a bad draw. So I think this is somehow related to how one can detach from one’s sex at birth.

On the other hand, it can be viewed as simple identification/categorization. I am female because the pieces and parts were checked and were in spec for what we call “female”.

That is all for now.

“The Walking Dead”

The division of labor on “The Walking Dead” appears to be along gender lines with the women doing the “stabilizing” home and hearth keeping while the men do the “protecting” with the guns and patrols.

One woman has taken to carrying a gun and sharing guard duty. The lead female character (season 2) chastises her for missing laundry responsibilities and leaving the rest of the female characters to “take up slack”.

The women are in just as much danger as the men but are not expected to be able to protect themselves equally. A woman learns to protect herself and she is “corrected” for it. The men are continually debating about who owns who.

Movie Stars

Robert DeNiro although I think that I would relax pretty well because he sort of reminds me of the white guys that used to be in the neighborhood. working class like we were so it wasn’t a big deal.

Halle Berry because I make a great friend for pretty girls; all the admiration with none of the penis.

As always Prince but I expect we’d just sit there in each other’s company. I am too old to gush out loud now.

That’s all for now.