Tide and Time

It takes energy to swim against the tides in one’s life. To reach over and over again in a direction that sometimes opposes the flow of what has gone on before when one turns for a new path, a new thought and an old forgotten dream.

And I am tired. Tired. Tired of striving, desiring, wanting, pushing, digging, holding, waiting, hoping. Tired of effort and drive and persistence and perseverance.

I want to be here now and be done with the rest.

I’m tired
and can’t do it anymore.
Can’t don the cape and leotard
can’t sling the gun or roust the horses
for yet another frontier
I’m going to stay right here
awhile and decorate the hole
I’ve dug myself.

girl rage

What would happen if we let them loose? What if those girls who had to always be ready to fight, won every single battle waged against her? IF the boy who “knew she wanted it” ended up the shamed one? what if the uncle covering her mouth and ignoring her dazed silent struggle read the danger in her resistance and simply stopped? Who would we let loose upon the world then?

Trying again…

There are so many different times that I have started and stopped because I couldn’t imagine anything perfect to work on. It is not unusual for me to get caught up in perfect. I also get stuck because I don’t have anyone to talk to when I get stuck. I don’t like the forums. Responses can be obtuse without being helpful; often sending me down two other rabbit holes to find a way to apply the solution that turns out to be wrong for what I want. Nevertheless, I keep coming back trying to figure it out because there’s something I want to say. I don’t know what it is but I keep trying to say it through learning this web stuff. so yeah, trying again…

Revenge, Revenge, Revenge

Got a threefer on the Revenge theme yesterday. Started with john Wick. Then, Man on Fire, then the filmed stage version of Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

John Wick was okay but is the least interesting of the three. There are almost no females significant to the plot but the requisite dead one. For contrast I suppose, they added one as a shooter but she’s not particularly interesting. There’s no surprise in “woman as assassin”. John Wick’s world is a world of men, manners, and violence. And all they need to kick it off, is the whisper of a reason.

I am a Denzel Washington fan and except for John Q, Training Day, and maybe one or two others,  I almost never hesitate to watch his movies over and over again. The Bone Collector is one, Out of Time is another, Man on Fire makes the re-watch list.

He starts the movie broken. finds that he is still capable of something other than violence and murder. Returns to it beautifully, poetically, when his reason for hope is taken from him.

With John Wick, from the very beginning we’re told he’s a master at violence. To my mind there’s no reason to believe otherwise. The rest of the movie is pretty much just a demo of what we’ve been told is true. Why wouldn’t it be true? We haven’t been told any reason it shouldn’t. The movie follows in the only way it can.

With Creasy, we haven’t been told anything about him. We’re shown that he needs a job, he’s a drunk, he’s capable of providing security, and he’s on the suicidal side. We learn something about him when he begins to train Peta. We learn something about him when he recovers from the abduction. Who he could have been is revealed when he learns she could be alive, He is able to rest in the end.

As for Sweeney Todd: first I love Stephen Sondheim. I love his lyrics, his songs. They just make me happy. This staged version is good enough filmed theatre.

There’s only one reason for all three of these movies. some man’s loss of the love of a woman.


So I think I finally get it. There is no need for me to remain tuned to their frequency just in case people who have rejected me might at some future date change their mind. I need to free up the channel for something else. so ended up dropping a few minor connections that i made unconsciously hoping for someone to come back to me.

Not that I’m not open but I think that I end up in this space of feeling hurt that I don’t acknowledge but feed anyway. Wasting my energy thinking that someone would not reject me if they really thought about it. And wasting my time wondering if I’m a good person because someone rejected me. I am a good person before and after rejections.

A person rejected me. It’s their process not mine. I needed to let it go.

the evolution of a leader

So after that first marathon of the Walking Dead, I decided I could (mostly) handle the zombie killing and violence. This season has gotten messier though seeing as the zombies are now more wasted. The FX folks have added new layers of sound and squishiness that has me squirming while watching. If the show had smell-o-vision that would be the end of my watching.

The evolution of Carol has been great though. Not like Michonne’s friend Andrea, who I thought seemed to be willing to protect herself until she could find a man to protect her and then “every woman for herself” as far as she was concerned.

Sasha gets the “Angry Black Woman” sash for this show. Michonne  is a much rounder “angry”  than Sasha is but actually falls into the “mammie” ; nurturing, counseling and pumping up the young white chirren. (Rick and Carl).

I’m just identifying the tropes; I like the characters very much.

Carol started out as the battered woman with no agency separate from her role as battered woman. The writers developed her through that; arriving at this current season (10/2014) with Carol being able to use her knowledge, experience in the world to create the opportunity for  escape by the entire cabal AND return hope of a future by returning Judith and reuniting Sasha and Tyrese.

Hadn’t thought of it before but you could say that Carl is the present: violent, shaky and callous, striving for a sense of balance, under development every day. Judith is their potential future. Women are always the future.

I started with Carol and Leadership. There was a great line in 10/19 episode after the rescue. Rick has been the organizing gateway of the group based on his decision making and direction. Nobody gets in the group except they go through Rick. He acknowledged Carol as his equal in gateway keeping by saying that they were joining her. She didn’t deny it. Equals.

Painful Confluence

I am so shut down right now. I tell myself I’m okay to combat the voices that keep saying there must be something wrong with me.  There must be a reason that I’m alone for so long. There must be something I am doing or not doing or something that I am that makes it difficult for me to maintain or find a close connection to people. Something wrong with me that makes me want to flee when there are people around. That makes me feel like a ghost. that makes me act like a ghost.

I just let the voices take over just then. I’m okay. I’m a good person. I’m here.

Female-Girl, Woman

Was just browsing the internet reading on the issue and I think i have come to dislike the phrase “designated female at birth”. It sounds like there was some authority sitting over my birth and that authority “decided” I was female.

On the one hand, it can be viewed as something that is done to myself as a  person,  seperate and unrelated to myself as a person. And the “designation/decision” will follow me the rest of my life and I will be treated according to that “designation/decision”. In a patriarchial white supremacist culture, being female is a bad draw. So I think this is somehow related to how one can detach from one’s sex at birth.

On the other hand, it can be viewed as simple identification/categorization. I am female because the pieces and parts were checked and were in spec for what we call “female”.

That is all for now.