Category Archives: Thoughts

Movie: Colossal – Meh

Went to See Colossal with Anne Hatheway and Jason Sudeikis. Mostly went to see it because I’ve seen a couple of movies with Jason Sudeikis that have been surprisingly enjoyable. He’s always himself named somebody else – We’re the Millers, Sleeping with Other People, Hall Pass, Race; so there’s a familiarity (as a character) that I like.

I want to say I didn’t like this movie because it’s a bad movie. It’s not a bad movie but it’s not a particularly good one either although it has an interesting premise. It goes all wrong for me in the execution of that premise and I blame it mostly on the character that Jason Sudeikis plays. He’s a bully charading as a nice guy. I imagine this movie is suppose to be about the Anne Hatheway character but she’s just like any other woman suffering from the effects of a bully. I was mad at the movie for not giving her a better response to the main “nice guy” or any of the other “nice guy”s since they are all some version of the nice guy charade.

She almost got it right with Tim at the end and that was a relief. But the end with Oscar left me so very disappointed. So that’s why I give the movie a “Meh”. I might see it again to validate my response but most likely it’ll settle into the “seen it don’t need to see it again” pile.

get over it all ready

In my haste to get over things, to stop hurting or feeling bad or to stop being self-absorbed and feeling sorry for myself, I learn a lot of things. I bend more successfully than I think I ever will. In a first world kind of way, my issues can be devastating in the sense that I could go from homed to homeless relatively quickly. I have recovery options in that I have family but if I didn’t have a grip on managing with depression baggage that could be a different issue. It’s not, though, and I’m grateful.

By the same token, so much energy has gone into keeping myself from falling apart while moving forward that I haven’t or didn’t (sometimes willfully didn’t) learn some things that would be useful to me right now. I have no clue and haven’t for quite some time, about how to take care of this house properly. In some cases the things that it needs are a result of general wear and tear. But other things are because I don’t know what to do or how to do or I’m so scared to do that I just don’t do them. I ruminate and ruminate; then things just don’t get done.

There are so many things I don’t know how to get help for but I need help. Some of it is not about wanting someone to do it for me (some of it is, like I would love not to clean) but wanting to know how to and being better at doing for myself.

All of this is because a friend is going to come help me with my yard; help with some specific tasks. And I feel really good about it in that I want to be like her. When she offered and said she would help me, I felt shame and embarrassment to need help with something I feel is so basic; like if I’m so smart, why can’t I handle this? Why haven’t I done this better? I also felt tremendous relief.

To my point that I started with, so much of my energy goes into self-recovery-basic eat-sleep-fighting despair and pessimism kind of holding my shit together- that there’s some stuff I don’t do. It was so satisfying mowing the yard, (not beautiful work by any means but good enough for now work) that i felt good about myself. I haven’t felt good about myself or satisfied with anything I do for a long long time. I want to feel more of that.

She does her yard work; I’ve seen her do it. She sets aside time to do it. She’s someone who can help me learn what to do and I trust that she can because these are some things she does herself and things she gets help for when she needs or wants it. I want to learn how to do it like that instead of how I’ve been doing it.

It’s just help and yard work. for Pete’s sake, this is what I mean about the self-absorbtion.


I have a lot of weird interests or rather I have opinions and info about a lot of things that hadn’t been regular topics of conversation before Xina. I’m interested in different things and before her I would never really talk about those things to people because I don’t want to feel like a know it all because of the broad range of my interests and the level of depth that I usually invest in them is more than surface usually. Anyway, I can’t seem to turn it off. It isn’t the topics, it was having someone want to listen to me, who wanted to be engaged in what I was interested in, rather than me doing all the listening. it was new and I liked it and I miss that.

Tide and Time

It takes energy to swim against the tides in one’s life. To reach over and over again in a direction that sometimes opposes the flow of what has gone on before when one turns for a new path, a new thought and an old forgotten dream.

And I am tired. Tired. Tired of striving, desiring, wanting, pushing, digging, holding, waiting, hoping. Tired of effort and drive and persistence and perseverance.

I want to be here now and be done with the rest.

I’m tired
and can’t do it anymore.
Can’t don the cape and leotard
can’t sling the gun or roust the horses
for yet another frontier
I’m going to stay right here
awhile and decorate the hole
I’ve dug myself.

I want my PH.D

I decided on a course of action that I can’t undecide. I have to leave here and go there. I can come back but I can’t not leave here first. I am going to make my way.

girl rage

What would happen if we let them loose? What if those girls who had to always be ready to fight, won every single battle waged against her? IF the boy who “knew she wanted it” ended up the shamed one? what if the uncle covering her mouth and ignoring her dazed silent struggle read the danger in her resistance and simply stopped? Who would we let loose upon the world then?

Trying again…

There are so many different times that I have started and stopped because I couldn’t imagine anything perfect to work on. It is not unusual for me to get caught up in perfect. I also get stuck because I don’t have anyone to talk to when I get stuck. I don’t like the forums. Responses can be obtuse without being helpful; often sending me down two other rabbit holes to find a way to apply the solution that turns out to be wrong for what I want. Nevertheless, I keep coming back trying to figure it out because there’s something I want to say. I don’t know what it is but I keep trying to say it through learning this web stuff. so yeah, trying again…

Revenge, Revenge, Revenge

Got a threefer on the Revenge theme yesterday. Started with john Wick. Then, Man on Fire, then the filmed stage version of Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

John Wick was okay but is the least interesting of the three. There are almost no females significant to the plot but the requisite dead one. For contrast I suppose, they added one as a shooter but she’s not particularly interesting. There’s no surprise in “woman as assassin”. John Wick’s world is a world of men, manners, and violence. And all they need to kick it off, is the whisper of a reason.

I am a Denzel Washington fan and except for John Q, Training Day, and maybe one or two others,  I almost never hesitate to watch his movies over and over again. The Bone Collector is one, Out of Time is another, Man on Fire makes the re-watch list.

He starts the movie broken. finds that he is still capable of something other than violence and murder. Returns to it beautifully, poetically, when his reason for hope is taken from him.

With John Wick, from the very beginning we’re told he’s a master at violence. To my mind there’s no reason to believe otherwise. The rest of the movie is pretty much just a demo of what we’ve been told is true. Why wouldn’t it be true? We haven’t been told any reason it shouldn’t. The movie follows in the only way it can.

With Creasy, we haven’t been told anything about him. We’re shown that he needs a job, he’s a drunk, he’s capable of providing security, and he’s on the suicidal side. We learn something about him when he begins to train Peta. We learn something about him when he recovers from the abduction. Who he could have been is revealed when he learns she could be alive, He is able to rest in the end.

As for Sweeney Todd: first I love Stephen Sondheim. I love his lyrics, his songs. They just make me happy. This staged version is good enough filmed theatre.

There’s only one reason for all three of these movies. some man’s loss of the love of a woman.


So I think I finally get it. There is no need for me to remain tuned to their frequency just in case people who have rejected me might at some future date change their mind. I need to free up the channel for something else. so ended up dropping a few minor connections that i made unconsciously hoping for someone to come back to me.

Not that I’m not open but I think that I end up in this space of feeling hurt that I don’t acknowledge but feed anyway. Wasting my energy thinking that someone would not reject me if they really thought about it. And wasting my time wondering if I’m a good person because someone rejected me. I am a good person before and after rejections.

A person rejected me. It’s their process not mine. I needed to let it go.