Individual Contributor

How do I make what I know useful? Maybe it’s just not as useful as I think it is and I should find something else.

We used to argue and I would shout when it seemed like I wasn’t being listened to but that just made her double down on not hearing me.

I would be rational and responsive until I was bullied or ignored and then my voice would get loud until I shut down.

That won’t work for what I want now. i don’t know what else to try.

Disjointed – Netflix

I wasn’t sure if I would make it through the first episode; actually I knew I would make it through the first episode because I almost always hope it would get better, I wasn’t sure if I would go on to the second.

I am not a fan of ironic racism/bigotry, even when it’s spread around to as many marginalized groups as possible. You always know whose on the pedestal.

Anyway, it got better. Still problematic.

Optimism and Skepticism

“Rejection is the sand in the oyster, the irritant that ultimately produces the pearl.” ~Burke Wilkinson

The thing is not every oyster irritated by sand will make a pearl and not all pearls are the same.

The optimist in me understands the nature of irritants. Irritants are challenges to be met; changes to my world that I might not voluntarily make but which can lead to my growth and expansion. Opportunities can be created by irritants.

The Skeptic in me knows that one doesn’t always get pearls. Sometimes the most one can get is to get rid of the irritant; just be done with it instead of continuing the irritation. Irritants can be dealt with in various ways; some of those ways may indeed result in pearls. The Cynic is wary of pearls. But then all I’m left with is the irritant without the optimistic joy of possibilities and pearls.

I suppose the issue is that when I’m feeling cynical, I don’t care about pearls; I’m wrapped in the horror of  the sand. The downside of that thinking is that maybe I miss the opportunity to work on my pearl making.

feel it again

scared…there’s stuff to do that; things that aren’t hard. There’s just this feeling of needing to do everything right or everything falls apart. That’s my fear. I just need to do what needs to be done. i don’t have to do it perfect.


I have dark thoughts, mingled with the optimism. Maya Angelou said, about Stamps Arkansas that it was a place where she was “terribly hurt and vastly loved” and that phrase sticks with me as an adequate description of life: a place where I have been terribly hurt and vastly loved.

I don’t want to think this way. I want these dark thoughts to be gone from my head so that what would be left is hope and optimism and gratitude all the time. I don’t even know what that would look like to be relentlessly optimistic without the darkness.

I am afraid and trying to make no moves for fear that any move will cause this place I am in to fall completely to pieces. I am afraid of “complete destruction” of my life as I’ve known it. I mean really my life as I had known it died with her. and I’m in this nothingness. so what is there to be afraid of? that is the thought that terrifies me because if the darkness takes off with it, then I’m likely to be dead soon.

dark thoughts are just thoughts. just thoughts.


feedback: not a good fit and not “technical” enough for the role.  If I believe they are right, then it negates the last 16 years of experience and capability building I’ve done.


I don’t want to die anymore

but I’m still too

distracted by the futility of living

the need to search for meaning

overwhelms the search itself

and all I do is wander

without wonder

or direction


as night comes,
the panic increases;
trapped inside
worried, anxious, hopeless
afraid of the dark again.
outside, free from confinement
worried, anxious, hopeful
wide open spaces 
too wide, too open.
planning when it's 
clear plans will fail
doing nothing because
doing has gone
terribly wrong
for some time
scared to choose
scared of options
scared of everything
that's different
from what has gone before
sure that what 
has gone before had to end
what's left? right now
just the coming night
shadow and darkness


it has gotten stronger
as I’ve gotten older
and I remember the run ins
with high visibility
a smart, poor black girl
a teenager with breasts
a lesbian in the church
a tech among men
an introvert needing connections
my super power is kicking in
and all it took was time

Movie: Colossal – Meh

Went to See Colossal with Anne Hatheway and Jason Sudeikis. Mostly went to see it because I’ve seen a couple of movies with Jason Sudeikis that have been surprisingly enjoyable. He’s always himself named somebody else – We’re the Millers, Sleeping with Other People, Hall Pass, Race; so there’s a familiarity (as a character) that I like.

I want to say I didn’t like this movie because it’s a bad movie. It’s not a bad movie but it’s not a particularly good one either although it has an interesting premise. It goes all wrong for me in the execution of that premise and I blame it mostly on the character that Jason Sudeikis plays. He’s a bully charading as a nice guy. I imagine this movie is suppose to be about the Anne Hatheway character but she’s just like any other woman suffering from the effects of a bully. I was mad at the movie for not giving her a better response to the main “nice guy” or any of the other “nice guy”s since they are all some version of the nice guy charade.

She almost got it right with Tim at the end and that was a relief. But the end with Oscar left me so very disappointed. So that’s why I give the movie a “Meh”. I might see it again to validate my response but most likely it’ll settle into the “seen it don’t need to see it again” pile.