The thing about being smart is that if one is smart enough, one knows that one is not as smart as one thinks one is. For me, it feels like a sort of narcissistic self-flagellation; inescapable and self defeating in it’s certainty on both points.
“I don’t want to tell you what to do…” or “I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job” or “I’m not trying to say that you’re wrong”…I don’t say any of these out loud. I don’t say anything at all because I know I won’t be listened to, my directives will not be followed, my opinion will be disregarded. I only seethe about it for a minute for now; I’ll add it to the worry reel, later. “If you would just listen to me” I would feel better; fuck how you feel. But that’s not how polite people work. and I am a polite people.
This is not just a one off kind of thing that happens once in a while with people who are genetically engineered to be stubborn, narcissistic assholes who never listen to anybody. It would make sense then that I am not to be listened to. Those guys don’t listen to anyone. And I’m typically not a fatalist when it comes to offering up opinions. I have a belief in my capabilities, my knowledge, my ability to apply reason to most situations that I run into, and an absolute willingness to say I don’t know once I’ve run out of guesses. I’d even go so far as to admit that I hesitate only briefly when admitting I am wrong. Disregard the hesitation, please. IF I’m wrong, I’ll get to admitting I’m wrong because it’s just easier.
How about when I have to admit that I’m right? there’s no ticker tape parade for that one. And rarely does the fanfare rise to the level of the fanfare when I’m wrong. I digress.
as night comes, the panic increases; trapped inside worried, anxious, hopeless afraid of the dark again. outside, free from confinement worried, anxious, hopeful wide open spaces too wide, too open. planning when it's clear plans will fail doing nothing because doing has gone terribly wrong for some time scared to choose scared of options scared of everything that's different from what has gone before sure that what has gone before had to end what's left? right now just the coming night shadow and darkness
Went to See Colossal with Anne Hatheway and Jason Sudeikis. Mostly went to see it because I’ve seen a couple of movies with Jason Sudeikis that have been surprisingly enjoyable. He’s always himself named somebody else – We’re the Millers, Sleeping with Other People, Hall Pass, Race; so there’s a familiarity (as a character) that I like.
I want to say I didn’t like this movie because it’s a bad movie. It’s not a bad movie but it’s not a particularly good one either although it has an interesting premise. It goes all wrong for me in the execution of that premise and I blame it mostly on the character that Jason Sudeikis plays. He’s a bully charading as a nice guy. I imagine this movie is suppose to be about the Anne Hatheway character but she’s just like any other woman suffering from the effects of a bully. I was mad at the movie for not giving her a better response to the main “nice guy” or any of the other “nice guy”s since they are all some version of the nice guy charade.
She almost got it right with Tim at the end and that was a relief. But the end with Oscar left me so very disappointed. So that’s why I give the movie a “Meh”. I might see it again to validate my response but most likely it’ll settle into the “seen it don’t need to see it again” pile.
I want to go to a movie but I cant make myself leave the house. I’m fighting inertia. I’m trying to make myself do something, anything. It’s hard to make myself move in any direction. I’m ashamed. scared doesn’t quite describe this. I’m numb.
In my haste to get over things, to stop hurting or feeling bad or to stop being self-absorbed and feeling sorry for myself, I learn a lot of things. I bend more successfully than I think I ever will. In a first world kind of way, my issues can be devastating in the sense that I could go from homed to homeless relatively quickly. I have recovery options in that I have family but if I didn’t have a grip on managing with depression baggage that could be a different issue. It’s not, though, and I’m grateful.
By the same token, so much energy has gone into keeping myself from falling apart while moving forward that I haven’t or didn’t (sometimes willfully didn’t) learn some things that would be useful to me right now. I have no clue and haven’t for quite some time, about how to take care of this house properly. In some cases the things that it needs are a result of general wear and tear. But other things are because I don’t know what to do or how to do or I’m so scared to do that I just don’t do them. I ruminate and ruminate; then things just don’t get done.
There are so many things I don’t know how to get help for but I need help. Some of it is not about wanting someone to do it for me (some of it is, like I would love not to clean) but wanting to know how to and being better at doing for myself.
All of this is because a friend is going to come help me with my yard; help with some specific tasks. And I feel really good about it in that I want to be like her. When she offered and said she would help me, I felt shame and embarrassment to need help with something I feel is so basic; like if I’m so smart, why can’t I handle this? Why haven’t I done this better? I also felt tremendous relief.
To my point that I started with, so much of my energy goes into self-recovery-basic eat-sleep-fighting despair and pessimism kind of holding my shit together- that there’s some stuff I don’t do. It was so satisfying mowing the yard, (not beautiful work by any means but good enough for now work) that i felt good about myself. I haven’t felt good about myself or satisfied with anything I do for a long long time. I want to feel more of that.
She does her yard work; I’ve seen her do it. She sets aside time to do it. She’s someone who can help me learn what to do and I trust that she can because these are some things she does herself and things she gets help for when she needs or wants it. I want to learn how to do it like that instead of how I’ve been doing it.
It’s just help and yard work. for Pete’s sake, this is what I mean about the self-absorbtion.
you don’t know me
why is that?
I have, for too long, accepted
the blame, all the fault
if you don’t know me
i must be keeping myself from you
except it’s not true
it’s never been true
get up from here
this small dark place
is an illusion like
all of it
the only choice
the same choice
pepper your life with
bite the apple or don’t
open the box or don’t
feast at the table or don’t
take the fire or don’t
I have a lot of weird interests or rather I have opinions and info about a lot of things that hadn’t been regular topics of conversation before Xina. I’m interested in different things and before her I would never really talk about those things to people because I don’t want to feel like a know it all because of the broad range of my interests and the level of depth that I usually invest in them is more than surface usually. Anyway, I can’t seem to turn it off. It isn’t the topics, it was having someone want to listen to me, who wanted to be engaged in what I was interested in, rather than me doing all the listening. it was new and I liked it and I miss that.
I must not forget
been here before
It may look familiar;
the sheer height
of the walls