I’m not sure which matters: did I fail or did I choose badly? If I go down the path that says I failed, then I sort of feel okay about it. That means that I can try again and do some things differently. Or it means that I can’t accomplish the task. It’s too hard or I don’t have what it takes to accomplish the task. Okay but not really. If I am incapable, I feel like that says a whole raft of things about me that I don’t want to believe are true but that may be true nonetheless. I’ve failed before. It doesn’t kill; maims just a little but I survive.
But if I chose badly, I find that almost insufferable. If I chose badly then everything I’ve learned up to now, everything that I thought I knew about myself and what I want and what I know is wrong and how can I choose again knowing that?
And then there’s the thing about doing the same things over again expecting a different result. Point of fact, I’m not expecting a different result, I would be actively working for a different result. Is that enough? Does that make a difference?
I have this moving image in my head of myself right now of this broken entity dragging and gathering shards and pieces of myself around me. I want to put myself together again but I can’t. The pieces themselves refuse to go into the places I try to shove them. As if I refuse to be remade the way I wish to remake myself. IF I cannot remake myself the way I was, into what will I be remade? The pieces I have are the pieces I have. Anything I throw away will leave a hole, won’t it?
And so I just keep dragging my broken self around trying to find a place to put myself together again or trying to find a path to be on that accommodates this broken thing I am without crushing anymore of me than necessary. Stay or leave?
end of another year without you. another year treading water in the doldrums. spin another vision girl its the only thing that has ever worked
I’m currently adrift. Don’t know how to negotiate it except by acknowledging that I am adrift. I think this makes me a complainer. Although “complainer” makes it seem like I think there is someone other than myself responsible for my state. I’m mostly complaining to myself about myself. I think I’m doing what I can to change my current state. It just feels like nothing is working.
I think I am frustrated by my inability to make an impression and I do blame that on my interviewers while still trying to find a way to improve myself so that I can demonstrate that I can do the job.
I do complain that their questions don’t prove what they want it to prove; part truth, part sour grapes even when I get the job. This current position does a third of what it appeared to require from the job description and interview questions.
I want to stomp my foot and cry “not fair”. I am aware that such a cry has never (well once) done me any good.
Currently, I am simply convinced that I suck and will suck until I get a stable job. And even then, I’ll probably still suck.
Still depressed. Don’t know what the future is going to bring. I am currently failing to plan so my plan is to fail. this isn’t an original thought. I heard it on a YouTube clip of Hannah Gadsby interview and it sticks with me as my current state of affairs.
why not plan to fail? really? my plan to succeed failed. Success looked like getting that degree, starting a production company with Xi, being with Xi; Xi died. That plan failed and I wasn’t planning on the failure so why not plan to fail?
Rumor is that the current contract I’m on is going to end September 30 or there abouts. Fine. It just means that I can’t dick around anymore about finding a new job. because I have been dicking around. I can get through the day. and It’s not enough but it’s what I can do. get through each and every one of these days without her in them 737 days I’ve gotten through successfully.
There was something else I wanted to write but whatever it was is gone now.
Trying to get myself together. I’ve talked about the fear that accompanies me with everythung I do and think. It makes it difficult to make decisions. Each choice is threatened by fear of potential outcomes, fear of not having enough information to be “right”, fear of what happens if I make a choice and everything falls apart.
So I’m depressed and sad and tired of it all and the choices that I need to make only make that worse. I can do anything, but I can’t do everything. And making one choice, could make other choices unavailable, or cost money and might result in debt without result if something goes wrong.
Im so tired of being afraid.
And also, my dogs are dead. I don’t have dogs anymore. Lily died first. She got ill and I couldn’t take care of her. What little money I had, I used for the vet but it required more than I had. I took her to the vet dirty and afraid and sick and I left her there. I wish I hadn’t done it that way. I wish I had stayed with her. She couldn’t get up and I couldn’t carry her. I think I did the best I could; I regret that I couldn’t have done better.
Bruce died a couple of weeks later. His spine was injured or naturally degenerating and he was losing the use of his rear legs. I wanted to deny it was happening because I was afraid of the cost; afraid that it was fixable if I had the money. It wasn’t fixable and I didn’t want to know that either, really. But he was in pain and soon wouldn’t be able to walk. I was able to stay with him though and watch him leave.
Heartbroken doesn’t feel like a sufficient enough description.
After giving it additional thought, I’ve decided that I am actually using the “follow road” life feature. I just think the road I’m on sucks. I don’t like the view. I don’t like the options available in the surroundings. My desired goals are a long way off but being on the road will get me closer even if it is a sucky road.
I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed Origins and Bayek can ride a mount (horse, camel, I think there’s an emu) and I can pick a destination, mount a ride and hit A to follow road, then hit Y to follow road to destination. I can cancel Follow and go my own way if I want but the auto pilot is a feature that helps.
I wish I had that feature in my life right now. I’d like to just follow the road until I can get my bearings, scope out other paths as I travel, choose to leave or stay on the road at any time; even go back to the road if I need to do that.
I’m wandering, it feels aimlessly wandering. Nothing seems to stick. Nothing seems to have any weight. And I’m still sinking despite my efforts; still sinking…
To be emotional is to be visible
she wants to be visible
instead of emotional
when she is ignored and
the men whisper in her presence
she gets emotional
want her invisible
they see her and
only listen long enough
to try and steal what can’t be stolen
tired of feeling lost. tired of feeling. The days are so long working or not working. and I don’t know what I’m doing. I want to disappear into something but there is no where to disappear. and I don’t want to disappear, i want to be worth while. I want something other than this gaping nothing that I’m feeling. Like “the nothing” from The Never Ending Story feels real in my head and I feel like the Rock Giant sitting in the storm staring at my hands “They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they? I always thought that’s what they were…I failed…the nothing will be here any minute. I’ll just sit here and let it take me away too. They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they?”
House sold. I don’t live there anymore. Transition with dogs not as hard as I expected, though I’m just doing the basics right now: food, water, toilet. I feel that part of me feels at a loss and the other part is putting in work for us. I feel as if I’m on the other side of the major depression and have felt that way for awhile even though I still feel as though I don’t have a direction, I do feel like the “any action that moves me out of this hole” is a good action and direction.
I think some sort of Dev Ops, data science, info sec is the way to go. but not sure what that looks like or how to get there. Going to try for Cyber Security Analyst cert. next.