Category Archives: Prose

Opinions on movies, books and poetry, current events, other people, dogs, and sundry subjects; just things I may be thinking about.

Movie: Colossal – Meh

Went to See Colossal with Anne Hatheway and Jason Sudeikis. Mostly went to see it because I’ve seen a couple of movies with Jason Sudeikis that have been surprisingly enjoyable. He’s always himself named somebody else – We’re the Millers, Sleeping with Other People, Hall Pass, Race; so there’s a familiarity (as a character) that I like.

I want to say I didn’t like this movie because it’s a bad movie. It’s not a bad movie but it’s not a particularly good one either although it has an interesting premise. It goes all wrong for me in the execution of that premise and I blame it mostly on the character that Jason Sudeikis plays. He’s a bully charading as a nice guy. I imagine this movie is suppose to be about the Anne Hatheway character but she’s just like any other woman suffering from the effects of a bully. I was mad at the movie for not giving her a better response to the main “nice guy” or any of the other “nice guy”s since they are all some version of the nice guy charade.

She almost got it right with Tim at the end and that was a relief. But the end with Oscar left me so very disappointed. So that’s why I give the movie a “Meh”. I might see it again to validate my response but most likely it’ll settle into the “seen it don’t need to see it again” pile.

leave the house

I want to go to a movie but I cant make myself leave the house. I’m fighting inertia. I’m trying to make myself do something, anything. It’s hard to make myself move in any direction. I’m ashamed. scared doesn’t quite describe this. I’m numb.

get over it all ready

In my haste to get over things, to stop hurting or feeling bad or to stop being self-absorbed and feeling sorry for myself, I learn a lot of things. I bend more successfully than I think I ever will. In a first world kind of way, my issues can be devastating in the sense that I could go from homed to homeless relatively quickly. I have recovery options in that I have family but if I didn’t have a grip on managing with depression baggage that could be a different issue. It’s not, though, and I’m grateful.

By the same token, so much energy has gone into keeping myself from falling apart while moving forward that I haven’t or didn’t (sometimes willfully didn’t) learn some things that would be useful to me right now. I have no clue and haven’t for quite some time, about how to take care of this house properly. In some cases the things that it needs are a result of general wear and tear. But other things are because I don’t know what to do or how to do or I’m so scared to do that I just don’t do them. I ruminate and ruminate; then things just don’t get done.

There are so many things I don’t know how to get help for but I need help. Some of it is not about wanting someone to do it for me (some of it is, like I would love not to clean) but wanting to know how to and being better at doing for myself.

All of this is because a friend is going to come help me with my yard; help with some specific tasks. And I feel really good about it in that I want to be like her. When she offered and said she would help me, I felt shame and embarrassment to need help with something I feel is so basic; like if I’m so smart, why can’t I handle this? Why haven’t I done this better? I also felt tremendous relief.

To my point that I started with, so much of my energy goes into self-recovery-basic eat-sleep-fighting despair and pessimism kind of holding my shit together- that there’s some stuff I don’t do. It was so satisfying mowing the yard, (not beautiful work by any means but good enough for now work) that i felt good about myself. I haven’t felt good about myself or satisfied with anything I do for a long long time. I want to feel more of that.

She does her yard work; I’ve seen her do it. She sets aside time to do it. She’s someone who can help me learn what to do and I trust that she can because these are some things she does herself and things she gets help for when she needs or wants it. I want to learn how to do it like that instead of how I’ve been doing it.

It’s just help and yard work. for Pete’s sake, this is what I mean about the self-absorbtion.

weird

I have a lot of weird interests or rather I have opinions and info about a lot of things that hadn’t been regular topics of conversation before Xina. I’m interested in different things and before her I would never really talk about those things to people because I don’t want to feel like a know it all because of the broad range of my interests and the level of depth that I usually invest in them is more than surface usually. Anyway, I can’t seem to turn it off. It isn’t the topics, it was having someone want to listen to me, who wanted to be engaged in what I was interested in, rather than me doing all the listening. it was new and I liked it and I miss that.

holding

I have been holding my breath. And I realize that the alone part is it’s going back to doing it by myself. I’ve almost always done it on my own. I have to start doing it on my own again. the recognition that I had someone, that I felt like someone was with me, for me and now she’s gone. and I have to figure it out alone again. It wasn’t nearly long enough. not nearly enough of her.

the real girl

Just watched lars and the real girl. really moving (cliche) but it spoke to this feeling i have of not knowing how to break out of this thing, this acute aloneness that i’m in.

I am not here

Sometimes, I’m not sure I exist. I forget that people can see me. Living so far behind my eyes that the person that walks around in this skin seems to be someone else. She is the person that goes through the motions of life. She is the person who eats, and breathes and drives and looks for work, while I sit back, way back inside her head and try not to get in the way.

But then we go out and I am reminded that people can see me and even more so that I want to be seen. I want to exist closer to the world. But I can’t seem to get hooked in.

Is there really a gap?

I am interested to understand if there really is a skills gap or if there is a mismatch between what is called a skill and what is not. If employers think a specific software is a skill, they may be overlooking employees who have the knowledge and experience to shrink the gap between knowing the required software and meeting the business need.

Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone – LaLa Land

You can only get to the good of the movie by sitting through the 1st half of it. Only after the second half, does the 1st half fit. It makes sense in the end. And becomes a really good movie. But the first part felt so self-conscious and aware of itself and the movies musicals that came before it.

I’m a fan of musicals so I wanted to like it. Ryan Gosling can sing and his voice is really nice. Emma Stone was okay as well. The music composition had to do more heavy lifting than should have been required. The music was gorgeous and absolutely made itself the third character in the film. Thank goodness for that.

It’s not just sad

It’s not just sad. Though I most often use that word. The word “depression” has lost some of its meaningfulness as a way of explaining what this beast is that accompanies me.

There’s this scene in Cool Hand Luke where Paul Newman is fighting with George Kennedy and he’s being pounded but he won’t stay down. Luke can barely stand, hardly raise his arms anymore but he won’t stay down on the ground and let it be over. Sometimes my depression is like that.

There this scene in Mash where Painless the dentist decides that he would rather die than go on living. Hawkeye and the gang plan a funeral charade for him. Painless preps himself, climbs in the coffin, takes his pill and waits to die. Lt. Dish “helps” him out in the midnight hour and Painless wakes up the next morning and goes about his business like the evening never happened. Sometimes my depression is like that.

There is this scene in the Color Purple where Mr. runs Nettie away from Celie and Nettie stands in the road as he pelts her with stones. She screams, with her arms raised and hands open, she screams “Why!!?? Why?” Sometimes my depression is like that. It’s not just sad.

Sometimes I ask why; sometimes I’d like to just lay down and die but most often I just keep getting up barely standing, worn out and beaten. I am unwilling to lose to the beast. It can walk with me if it must, but it won’t ever win. Just so you know.