I realized last night that I have never on my own picked my place to live. It’s been found for me or provided by others. I’ve lived with the people who found my home until they’ve left or I’ve left. Usually if I’ve left, it’s because we both left the place. I’m okay once I get the place but I feel overwhelmed by making the choice of where to live.
I don’t usually think of myself as an indecisive person. Although since Xina died it seems that I just let decisions make me. Sort of hang on until I have to let go, then hang on to the next thing until I have to let go of that. It’s clearly not a good decision making process. I feel anxious, unsure and disenfranchised.
I’ve been without my stuff for almost 3 years now. August 2015 seems like a whole lifetime ago. July 31 2016 seems like it just happened.
How do I make what I know useful? Maybe it’s just not as useful as I think it is and I should find something else.
We used to argue and I would shout when it seemed like I wasn’t being listened to but that just made her double down on not hearing me.
I would be rational and responsive until I was bullied or ignored and then my voice would get loud until I shut down.
That won’t work for what I want now. i don’t know what else to try.
After giving it additional thought, I’ve decided that I am actually using the “follow road” life feature. I just think the road I’m on sucks. I don’t like the view. I don’t like the options available in the surroundings. My desired goals are a long way off but being on the road will get me closer even if it is a sucky road.
I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed Origins and Bayek can ride a mount (horse, camel, I think there’s an emu) and I can pick a destination, mount a ride and hit A to follow road, then hit Y to follow road to destination. I can cancel Follow and go my own way if I want but the auto pilot is a feature that helps.
I wish I had that feature in my life right now. I’d like to just follow the road until I can get my bearings, scope out other paths as I travel, choose to leave or stay on the road at any time; even go back to the road if I need to do that.
I’m wandering, it feels aimlessly wandering. Nothing seems to stick. Nothing seems to have any weight. And I’m still sinking despite my efforts; still sinking…
To be emotional is to be visible
she wants to be visible
instead of emotional
when she is ignored and
the men whisper in her presence
she gets emotional
want her invisible
they see her and
only listen long enough
to try and steal what can’t be stolen
tired of feeling lost. tired of feeling. The days are so long working or not working. and I don’t know what I’m doing. I want to disappear into something but there is no where to disappear. and I don’t want to disappear, i want to be worth while. I want something other than this gaping nothing that I’m feeling. Like “the nothing” from The Never Ending Story feels real in my head and I feel like the Rock Giant sitting in the storm staring at my hands “They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they? I always thought that’s what they were…I failed…the nothing will be here any minute. I’ll just sit here and let it take me away too. They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they?”
House sold. I don’t live there anymore. Transition with dogs not as hard as I expected, though I’m just doing the basics right now: food, water, toilet. I feel that part of me feels at a loss and the other part is putting in work for us. I feel as if I’m on the other side of the major depression and have felt that way for awhile even though I still feel as though I don’t have a direction, I do feel like the “any action that moves me out of this hole” is a good action and direction.
I think some sort of Dev Ops, data science, info sec is the way to go. but not sure what that looks like or how to get there. Going to try for Cyber Security Analyst cert. next.
I said the thing today in a couple of interviews. Couldn’t say it without tearing up but reeled it back in I think.
I no longer know what to do. I would say confused but I’m not really confused. I know I don’t yet have a job. I no longer understand job descriptions based on the feedback I’ve gotten about why I am not moved forward in the hiring process. So, I’m not real sure what to do since what I’ve been doing has not resulted in a job. I have no clue and there’s nothing confusing about that.