This is now

Still depressed. Don’t know what the future is going to bring. I am currently failing to plan so my plan is to fail. this isn’t an original thought. I heard it on a YouTube clip of Hannah Gadsby interview and it sticks with me as my current state of affairs.

why not plan to fail? really? my plan to succeed failed. Success looked like getting that degree, starting a production company with Xi, being with Xi; Xi died. That plan failed and I wasn’t planning on the failure so why not plan to fail?

Rumor is that the current contract I’m on is going to end September 30 or there abouts. Fine. It just means that I can’t dick around anymore about finding a new job. because I have been dicking around. I can get through the day. and It’s not enough but it’s what I can do. get through each and every one of these days without her in them 737 days I’ve gotten through successfully.

There was something else I wanted to write but whatever it was is gone now.

Depressed

Trying to get myself together. I’ve talked about the fear that accompanies me with everythung I do and think. It makes it difficult to make decisions. Each choice is threatened by fear of potential outcomes, fear of not having enough information to be “right”, fear of what happens if I make a choice and everything falls apart.

So I’m depressed and sad and tired of it all and the choices that I need to make only make that worse. I can do anything, but I can’t do everything. And making one choice, could make other choices unavailable, or cost money and might result in debt without result if something goes wrong.

Im so tired of being afraid.

And also, my dogs are dead. I don’t have dogs anymore. Lily died first. She got ill and I couldn’t take care of her. What little money I had, I used for the vet but it required more than I had. I took her to the vet dirty and afraid and sick and I left her there. I wish I hadn’t done it that way. I wish I had stayed with her. She couldn’t get up and I couldn’t carry her. I think I did the best I could; I regret that I couldn’t have done better.

Bruce died a couple of weeks later. His spine was injured or naturally degenerating and he was losing the use of his rear legs. I wanted to deny it was happening because I was afraid of the cost; afraid that it was fixable if I had the money. It wasn’t fixable and I didn’t want to know that either, really. But he was in pain and soon wouldn’t be able to walk. I was able to stay with him though and watch him leave.

Heartbroken doesn’t feel like a sufficient enough description.

Narcissist

I think about my self all the time now. How I never hear your name any more. I used to say it at least 100 times a day – your full name because you would smile when you heard me say it or at least I remember it that way. Your smile. I want to talk to you, talk about you; hear about you, hear from you. I think about how much I miss you; how my life is emptier and lonelier and scarier than I thought could be possible for a life to be. I think about my life without you in it. Not like before, I thought of you in the world; had a hope always that I would see you again. I would think of you and think of how much I had liked you; was okay that you rejected me; still wondered what you were doing, where you were. Occasionally, looking for a sign of you somewhere.

I think about that moment I saw you again. I remember how the people in the room disappeared and there was just you. I stared at you. I walked your way not sure if you were you; not sure if you would know me. I said your name and barely anything else. You gave me your number. Nothing could stop me from using it.

And now it is a world without you in it. and I spend way to much time thinking only of me. without you.

Choosing a home

I realized last night that I have never on my own picked my place to live. It’s been found for me or provided by others. I’ve lived with the people who found my home until they’ve left or I’ve left. Usually if I’ve left, it’s because we both left the place. I’m okay once I get the place but I feel overwhelmed by making the choice of where to live.

I don’t usually think of myself as an indecisive person. Although since Xina died it seems that I just let decisions make me. Sort of hang on until I have to let go, then hang on to the next thing until I have to let go of that. It’s clearly not a good decision making process. I feel anxious, unsure and disenfranchised.

I’ve been without my stuff for almost 3 years now. August 2015 seems like a whole lifetime ago. July 31 2016 seems like it just happened.

Individual Contributor

How do I make what I know useful? Maybe it’s just not as useful as I think it is and I should find something else.

We used to argue and I would shout when it seemed like I wasn’t being listened to but that just made her double down on not hearing me.

I would be rational and responsive until I was bullied or ignored and then my voice would get loud until I shut down.

That won’t work for what I want now. i don’t know what else to try.

Follow up on Follow Road

After giving it additional thought, I’ve decided that I am actually using the “follow road” life feature. I just think the road I’m on sucks. I don’t like the view. I don’t like the options available in the surroundings. My desired goals are a long way off but being on the road will get me closer even if it is a sucky road.

Follow Road

I’ve been playing Assassin’s Creed Origins and Bayek can ride a mount (horse, camel, I think there’s an emu) and I can pick a destination, mount a ride and hit A to follow road, then hit Y to follow road to destination. I can cancel Follow and go my own way if I want but the auto pilot is a feature that helps.

I wish I had that feature in my life right now. I’d like to just follow the road until I can get my bearings, scope out other paths as I travel, choose to leave or stay on the road at any time; even go back to the road if I need to do that.

I’m wandering, it feels aimlessly wandering. Nothing seems to stick. Nothing seems to have any weight. And I’m still sinking despite my efforts; still sinking…

STEM Woman

To be emotional is to be visible

she wants to be visible

instead of emotional

when she is ignored and

the men whisper in her presence

she gets emotional

because they

want her invisible

they see her and

only listen long enough

to try and steal what can’t be stolen

 

tired of feeling lost

tired of feeling lost. tired of feeling. The days are so long working or not working. and I don’t know what I’m doing. I want to disappear into something but there is no where to disappear. and I don’t want to disappear, i want to be worth while. I want something other than this gaping nothing that I’m feeling. Like “the nothing” from The Never Ending Story feels real in my head and I feel like the Rock Giant sitting in the storm staring at my hands “They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they? I always thought that’s what they were…I failed…the nothing will be here any minute. I’ll just sit here and let it take me away too. They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they?”

home again, sort of

House sold. I don’t live there anymore. Transition with dogs not as hard as I expected, though I’m just doing the basics right now: food, water, toilet. I feel that part of me feels at a loss and the other part is putting in work for us. I feel as if I’m on the other side of the major depression and have felt that way for awhile even though I still feel as though I don’t have a direction, I do feel like the “any action that moves me out of this hole” is a good action and direction.

I think some sort of Dev Ops, data science, info sec is the way to go. but not sure what that looks like or how to get there. Going to try for Cyber Security Analyst cert. next.