change

I said the thing today in a couple of interviews. Couldn’t say it without tearing up but reeled it back in I think.

quicksand

sometimes it’s like quick sand and
all the fight and planning
only ends up stirring the muck and
sucking me deeper and before I know it
once again I’m up to my neck
 
yesterday sunflowers and family
today my brother and lawn work
freed my mind from the struggle

lost

I no longer know what to do. I would say confused but I’m not really confused. I know I don’t yet have a job. I no longer understand job descriptions based on the feedback I’ve gotten about why I am not moved forward in the hiring process. So, I’m not real sure what to do since what I’ve been doing has not resulted in a job. I have no clue and there’s nothing confusing about that.

Disjointed – Netflix

I wasn’t sure if I would make it through the first episode; actually I knew I would make it through the first episode because I almost always hope it would get better, I wasn’t sure if I would go on to the second.

I am not a fan of ironic racism/bigotry, even when it’s spread around to as many marginalized groups as possible. You always know whose on the pedestal.

Anyway, it got better. Still problematic.

what do you do?

What do you do when you can’t do the thing you love, the thing that you know the most about?

I’m still not employed and I’m not sure I know why or what else I can do besides the thing that I am doing.

I have lost everything.

Optimism and Skepticism

“Rejection is the sand in the oyster, the irritant that ultimately produces the pearl.” ~Burke Wilkinson

The thing is not every oyster irritated by sand will make a pearl and not all pearls are the same.

The optimist in me understands the nature of irritants. Irritants are challenges to be met; changes to my world that I might not voluntarily make but which can lead to my growth and expansion. Opportunities can be created by irritants.

The Skeptic in me knows that one doesn’t always get pearls. Sometimes the most one can get is to get rid of the irritant; just be done with it instead of continuing the irritation. Irritants can be dealt with in various ways; some of those ways may indeed result in pearls. The Cynic is wary of pearls. But then all I’m left with is the irritant without the optimistic joy of possibilities and pearls.

I suppose the issue is that when I’m feeling cynical, I don’t care about pearls; I’m wrapped in the horror of  the sand. The downside of that thinking is that maybe I miss the opportunity to work on my pearl making.

feel it again

scared…there’s stuff to do that; things that aren’t hard. There’s just this feeling of needing to do everything right or everything falls apart. That’s my fear. I just need to do what needs to be done. i don’t have to do it perfect.

dark

I have dark thoughts, mingled with the optimism. Maya Angelou said, about Stamps Arkansas that it was a place where she was “terribly hurt and vastly loved” and that phrase sticks with me as an adequate description of life: a place where I have been terribly hurt and vastly loved.

I don’t want to think this way. I want these dark thoughts to be gone from my head so that what would be left is hope and optimism and gratitude all the time. I don’t even know what that would look like to be relentlessly optimistic without the darkness.

I am afraid and trying to make no moves for fear that any move will cause this place I am in to fall completely to pieces. I am afraid of “complete destruction” of my life as I’ve known it. I mean really my life as I had known it died with her. and I’m in this nothingness. so what is there to be afraid of? that is the thought that terrifies me because if the darkness takes off with it, then I’m likely to be dead soon.

dark thoughts are just thoughts. just thoughts.

smart

The thing about being smart is that if one is smart enough, one knows that one is not as smart as one thinks one is. For me, it feels like a sort of narcissistic self-flagellation; inescapable and self defeating in it’s certainty on both points.