dark

I have dark thoughts, mingled with the optimism. Maya Angelou said, about Stamps Arkansas that it was a place where she was “terribly hurt and vastly loved” and that phrase sticks with me as an adequate description of life: a place where I have been terribly hurt and vastly loved.

I don’t want to think this way. I want these dark thoughts to be gone from my head so that what would be left is hope and optimism and gratitude all the time. I don’t even know what that would look like to be relentlessly optimistic without the darkness.

I am afraid and trying to make no moves for fear that any move will cause this place I am in to fall completely to pieces. I am afraid of “complete destruction” of my life as I’ve known it. I mean really my life as I had known it died with her. and I’m in this nothingness. so what is there to be afraid of? that is the thought that terrifies me because if the darkness takes off with it, then I’m likely to be dead soon.

dark thoughts are just thoughts. just thoughts.

smart

The thing about being smart is that if one is smart enough, one knows that one is not as smart as one thinks one is. For me, it feels like a sort of narcissistic self-flagellation; inescapable and self defeating in it’s certainty on both points.

..I don’t want to tell you what to do…

“I don’t want to tell you what to do…”  or “I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job” or “I’m not trying to say that you’re wrong”…I don’t say any of these out loud. I don’t say anything at all because I know I won’t be listened to, my directives will not be followed, my opinion will be disregarded. I only seethe about it for a minute for now; I’ll add it to the worry reel, later. “If you would just listen to me” I would feel better; fuck how you feel. But that’s not how polite people work. and I am a polite people.

This is not just a one off kind of thing that happens once in a while with people who are genetically engineered to be stubborn, narcissistic assholes who never listen to anybody. It would make sense then that I am not to be listened to. Those guys don’t listen to anyone. And I’m typically not a fatalist when it comes to offering up opinions. I have a belief in my capabilities, my knowledge, my ability to apply reason to most situations that I run into, and an absolute willingness to say I don’t know once I’ve run out of guesses. I’d even go so far as to admit that I hesitate only briefly when admitting I am wrong. Disregard the hesitation, please. IF I’m wrong, I’ll get to admitting I’m wrong because it’s just easier.

How about when I have to admit that I’m right? there’s no ticker tape parade for that one. And rarely does the fanfare rise to the level of the fanfare when I’m wrong. I digress.

Elusive

feedback: not a good fit and not “technical” enough for the role.  If I believe they are right, then it negates the last 16 years of experience and capability building I’ve done.

distracted

I don’t want to die anymore

but I’m still too

distracted by the futility of living

the need to search for meaning

overwhelms the search itself

and all I do is wander

without wonder

or direction

Descent

as night comes,
the panic increases;
trapped inside
worried, anxious, hopeless
afraid of the dark again.
outside, free from confinement
worried, anxious, hopeful
wide open spaces 
too wide, too open.
planning when it's 
clear plans will fail
doing nothing because
doing has gone
terribly wrong
for some time
scared to choose
scared of options
scared of everything
that's different
from what has gone before
sure that what 
has gone before had to end
what's left? right now
just the coming night
shadow and darkness

Invisible

it has gotten stronger
as I’ve gotten older
and I remember the run ins
with high visibility
a smart, poor black girl
a teenager with breasts
a lesbian in the church
a tech among men
an introvert needing connections
my super power is kicking in
and all it took was time

Movie: Colossal – Meh

Went to See Colossal with Anne Hatheway and Jason Sudeikis. Mostly went to see it because I’ve seen a couple of movies with Jason Sudeikis that have been surprisingly enjoyable. He’s always himself named somebody else – We’re the Millers, Sleeping with Other People, Hall Pass, Race; so there’s a familiarity (as a character) that I like.

I want to say I didn’t like this movie because it’s a bad movie. It’s not a bad movie but it’s not a particularly good one either although it has an interesting premise. It goes all wrong for me in the execution of that premise and I blame it mostly on the character that Jason Sudeikis plays. He’s a bully charading as a nice guy. I imagine this movie is suppose to be about the Anne Hatheway character but she’s just like any other woman suffering from the effects of a bully. I was mad at the movie for not giving her a better response to the main “nice guy” or any of the other “nice guy”s since they are all some version of the nice guy charade.

She almost got it right with Tim at the end and that was a relief. But the end with Oscar left me so very disappointed. So that’s why I give the movie a “Meh”. I might see it again to validate my response but most likely it’ll settle into the “seen it don’t need to see it again” pile.

leave the house

I want to go to a movie but I cant make myself leave the house. I’m fighting inertia. I’m trying to make myself do something, anything. It’s hard to make myself move in any direction. I’m ashamed. scared doesn’t quite describe this. I’m numb.