I’m not sure which matters: did I fail or did I choose badly? If I go down the path that says I failed, then I sort of feel okay about it. That means that I can try again and do some things differently. Or it means that I can’t accomplish the task. It’s too hard or I don’t have what it takes to accomplish the task. Okay but not really. If I am incapable, I feel like that says a whole raft of things about me that I don’t want to believe are true but that may be true nonetheless. I’ve failed before. It doesn’t kill; maims just a little but I survive.
But if I chose badly, I find that almost insufferable. If I chose badly then everything I’ve learned up to now, everything that I thought I knew about myself and what I want and what I know is wrong and how can I choose again knowing that?
And then there’s the thing about doing the same things over again expecting a different result. Point of fact, I’m not expecting a different result, I would be actively working for a different result. Is that enough? Does that make a difference?
I have this moving image in my head of myself right now of this broken entity dragging and gathering shards and pieces of myself around me. I want to put myself together again but I can’t. The pieces themselves refuse to go into the places I try to shove them. As if I refuse to be remade the way I wish to remake myself. IF I cannot remake myself the way I was, into what will I be remade? The pieces I have are the pieces I have. Anything I throw away will leave a hole, won’t it?
And so I just keep dragging my broken self around trying to find a place to put myself together again or trying to find a path to be on that accommodates this broken thing I am without crushing anymore of me than necessary. Stay or leave?